Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
