I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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