she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Still dying that you shit outside
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
