I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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