Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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