I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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