Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
