She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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