he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
