they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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