Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
