how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
