He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
