My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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