saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
