Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
