Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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