Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
