Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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