So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
