Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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