If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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