omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
