I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
