I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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