my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We had sex on a dog bed..
True strength comes from lack of pants
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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