In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize