Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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