I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
