I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
