he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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