her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize