He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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