how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
ttyl tear gas
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
