We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
