Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
even my farts smell like vagina
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
