I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
