my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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