Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
