I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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