Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize