i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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