when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
