How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
