then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
