I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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