saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
