Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize