also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just invented taco cereal.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
