I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
