My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
