i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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