i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
