I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We're too hungover to prance.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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