Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
