i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
