Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
