There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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