I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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