i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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