one word: firstdatebathroomanal
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
