Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
this is an emotional support booty call
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
