i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
